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When I'm stressed, everything that's on my mind seems to rise to the same level of urgency. And having so many "urgent" to-dos, worries, next steps, and conversations on my mind is extremely stressful. The stress feels overwhelming and I can't decide what to do; this analysis paralysis means I get less accomplished, even though I need to be accomplishing more. It's a vicious cycle, and I can feel myself getting pulled into it as the school year is about to begin and some projects at work are heating up. But I'm determined not to let it get the best of me. "Put first things first" is the third of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Putting first things first means doing the most important things in life. It means being clear about your priorities and acting on them. While intended as an overarching (and extremely valuable) approach to life, I'm finding those four words to be helpful in the moment too. When looking at a list of items that can't all possibly be accomplished today, if I say to myself, "I'm putting first things first" I can determine what's most important and do that. When I'm feeling overwhelmed, I can ask, "Am I putting first things first?" and then readjust. When I'm snapping at those around me, I can catch myself not putting first things first. I can apologize, engage in a meaningful way to show where my priorities are, and then get back on track. Chances are your life is getting a bit busier as we head into a new season too. It'll be less stressful if you take time to put first things first. Photo by Breakingpic on Pexels.com

Friday morning I walked with my friends from the fitness center that recently closed. The whole morning crew was there, so six of us made our way around the loop at the park. Although we don't move as quickly together as I would move on my own, that Friday morning walk still feels like the most important one I take each week. When my daughter and I stopped at our friends' house on Saturday night to quickly drop off a thank you, they invited us in, sharing some exciting news and catching up on events in our lives. As Lily sat there petting their cat, I reveled in how lucky we are to have such good friends. As I walked down the steps at church Sunday morning, I heard a fellow member call, "Hi, Christin!" and it made me smile from ear to ear. I stopped to lend another friend the latest book from an author we both like, and she told me she had several from the same author I could borrow as well. After each of these interactions, my heart was full. And grateful. These small moments and several others contributed to what turned out to be a pretty special weekend. Common sense tells us that relationships matter; research proves it. In The Happiness Advantage, Shawn Achor cites "70 years of evidence that our relationships with other people matter, and matter more than anything else in the world." There's only one characteristic that distinguishes the happiest 10% of the people - the strength of their social relationships. His Harvard study found the same result: "social support was a far greater predictor of happiness than any other factor, more than GPA, family income, SAT scores, age, gender, or race." Relationships also help us deal with difficult situations. According to Achor, "investing in social connections means that you'll find it easier to interpret adversity as a path to growth and opportunity; and when you do have to experience the stress, you'll bounce back from it faster and better protected against its long-term negative effects." A friend who recently went through a difficult time was amazed by the way her friends and family members supported her, whether with affirming messages, advice, open ears, pep talks, logistics help, transportation, resources, meals, and so on. I wasn't surprised at all; she's contributed to each of her friends' lives in countless ways throughout the years, so each friend was happy to step up and provide support during her difficult time. Not sure the best way to spend your time or money to live a happier life? Invest in relationships. Photo by Rémi Walle on Unsplash

Last week I sent out a promotional message with each of our client invoices. The gist of it was, "We have this service we think you might like. Would you like to learn more?" While most clients would not respond, I knew a few would. A few did. I received three responses saying yes, they'd be interested in learning more. And do you know that I had no specific plan of how I would respond to those responses? Silly, right? I asked a yes/no question and hadn't spent a moment anticipating what I would do if they said yes. Would I send an email asking them a few questions? Would I send a document outlining the service? Would I schedule a call? Would I invite them to a webinar? I didn't have a plan at all. I've seen this happen to other people in personal conversations a lot. Inviting someone out without any consideration of where or when they would go. Asking someone's opinion but not being prepared to hear the answer. Asking a question, appearing open-minded, but then getting mad when the response isn't what was expected, shutting down future conversation. Sending a text message, receiving an immediate response, and taking a day or two to write back. Don't ask the question if you're not prepared for the response. Prepare for what you will say or do if they respond one way, and what you'll say or do if they respond in another. You'll save yourself time and frustration. Anticipate the response. Photo by Mihai Surdu on Unsplash

It all started with a non-apology. As I finished a haircut appointment with a new stylist, I saw I had missed two lengthy text messages from a friend asking for some help with an online job application. My first instinct was to feel guilty I wasn't able to help right when she needed me. Then I realized how ridiculous that was. Even though she had to move on without my input, she was fine. I kept myself from apologizing for the delay when I called her back, because I didn't do anything wrong. Then when she asked me more questions on vacation, I told her I was staying off my phone as much as I could but would review her resume and cover letter when I had the opportunity to concentrate on it. She understood. I felt strong, as I was taking control over my time. Then when I took a few minutes to review her documents, I didn't resent it. Someone else had messaged me on LinkedIn, and I didn't like the tone of her message. This was a person who had pushed me around years ago when she was trying to provide a service to our group, and it always rubbed me the wrong way. More than four years later, she popped up out of the blue with a request that ended with "Let me know when you have time next week." I didn't. My non-response is unlike me, yet very empowering. I asked a client to fill out a spreadsheet so I'd know how many responses I should expect from each surveyed population. I was frustrated to receive just a downloaded list of all employees. It seemed the client expected me to do all the calculations. I would usually grumble and then do this, possibly taking an extra 30-45 minutes on a project that has already exceeded its budgeted time. Realizing that I've allowed the scope to expand because I haven't said no to any requests, I wrote back clarifying what I needed. A few hours later, she sent me what I asked for. I share these examples because I never really connected with the label "people pleaser" but I realize that's what I am. I don't want to be. To set boundaries, Notice what triggers a negative response in you. Recognize the choice you have in how you respond. Pause before responding, and then Respond in a way that puts your feelings and preferences first. Start small, and you will feel stronger each time. Eleanor Roosevelt is quoted as saying "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Years ago I heard a speaker revise that to say "No one can make you feel _________ without your consent." You can't always control how other people act, but you can control your response. And how you respond will impact how they treat you in the future. If people expect you to respond immediately, it's probably because you've done so in the past. If people expect you to put their needs above yours, it's probably because you've done so in the past. Set boundaries. Photo by Messala Ciulla on Unsplash

We just returned from a 5-day getaway, first visiting family and friends in northeastern Ohio and then exploring Pittsburgh for the first time. What is it about vacation that's so magical? For me, it's taking a break from most of my responsibilities. It's getting up without an alarm clock. It's not thinking about laundry or dishes. It's ignoring email and text messages. It's putting down my phone and engaging with the people and places around me. It's living in the moment. It's prioritizing fun over productivity. Taking a break isn't necessarily about relaxing. It can be doing something completely out of the ordinary, which for us was logging mile after mile on foot, consuming far more calories than are recommended, and soaking in the sights and sounds and tastes of a new place. When I returned from vacation, the obligations were still here, but I was refreshed enough to be able to tackle them. In my last day off before returning to work, I made phone calls I had been procrastinating. Laundry didn't feel like such a chore. Eating healthy food felt like an extravagance. It's a privilege to be able to abdicate responsibilities periodically, and then to take them up again. In whatever way you're able to, I encourage you to take a break. Photo by Alex Machado on Unsplash

It happens every time, doesn't it? You buy something from a different retailer than usual and the store immediately adds your email to every mailing list they have. And then they email you every day, sometimes even more than daily. Isn't that just so aggravating? What a pain in the... Okay, it's a bit of a pain. But it's also completely predictable and easy to change. Here's my old response for these situations: "Ugh! I hate when companies I buy something from add me to these mailing lists and then I get bombarded with a million emails. As if I'm going to buy from them again right away! Now I don't ever want to buy anything from them again! Why do companies do that? It's such a stupid practice. I'm sure I'm not the only person who gets annoyed by this! Now I have to unsubscribe!" Here's my new one: "Oh! Here it is, the first of what will probably be many emails from this company. I'll take a moment to unsubscribe now." The end. Predict the predictable. Then change your default response. Photo by Web Hosting on Unsplash

As I was getting ready to work out at the fitness center, I put on a flowered top I love. Well, I used to love it. It's gotten tight over the past few years. But I convinced myself it still fit. And then I spent my entire workout feeling self-conscious and sausage-like. Yuck. It's still in great shape so I put it in our donation bag. It felt good to get rid of it. What is true for a t-shirt is also true for some more complicated stuff too. That picture that brings back bad memories? Get rid of it. That assumption that everyone is talking about you? Get rid of it. That thought that's not serving you? Get rid of it. That belief that's dragging you down? Get rid of it. That long-held prejudice against a certain population? Get rid of it. Just like clearing physical clutter gets easier once you get started, so does clearing mental clutter. And just like seeing a cleaned-out closet feels freeing, so does realizing you don't have to hold onto mental junk you've been keeping too long. Get rid of it. Photo by Paweł Czerwiński on Unsplash

It bothered me for a long time. My old calendar events just disappeared on my iPhone! I'd want to see when we held our last Happiness Hour or the last time I went to the dentist, and it would look as if I didn't do a darn thing in July 2018. Or August. Or September. So annoying! It finally occurred to me that it was probably something I could fix. A quick Google search one day last week provided the answer; I just had to change the setting to "Sync all events" and voila! All the events are back. No need to grumble. Just solve the problem. Routinely miss the payment even though you have enough in your account? Consider auto-pay. Feeling as if you're in the dark because one of the light bulbs has been burned out for weeks? Change the bulb. Often find yourself buying belated birthday cards or skipping the card altogether even though you'd like to send one? Buy cards in advance and create calendar reminders for when to send them. Irritated when you forget your reusable grocery bags in the car? Get them out of the trunk when you leave the house or put your wallet in one so you can't forget them. Get angry every time you get hungry? Keep a snack in your bag or car. Hate paying for bottled water? Develop a habit of taking a water bottle with you. Forget essential items on vacations? Create a packing list you can print each time. Next time you're feeling frustrated, ask yourself, "What is the problem?" Then solve it. Photo by Bagus Hernawan on Unsplash

This quote from Will Bowen stopped me from scrolling and immediately made me want to share: "You're eventually going to get over what's bugging you, right? Why not get over it now and enjoy the rest of the day?" Powerful, right? What seems like such a huge deal first thing in the morning has often dissipated by lunchtime. Why not let it dissipate sooner and save yourself a whole lot of frustration? Here's an example. Last year I attended the World War II Weekend with my husband. I lathered on the sunscreen several times and even wore a big dorky hat to protect myself since there wasn't much shade to be found. Yet as we stopped in a store quickly on our way to dinner that evening, he said, "Um.... you might want to check a mirror." I had the strangest sunburn I had ever experienced! In spite of what I could have sworn was even application of sunscreen, I had streaks on my face, arms, and chest. What the heck? I was mortified. No one else seemed to be staring at me, but I obsessed over it throughout dinner and for the rest of the weekend. It seemed to be all I could think about. The air show recently came up during a dinner conversation. My friend turned to me and asked, "Isn't that when you got the really weird sunburn?" Really? I spent the whole day with my husband exploring one of his passions, and the most memorable part of the story was the sunburn? Get over it, Christin. If I could do it again, when I saw the sunburn I'd say, "Well that's a bummer and quite embarrassing. But there's nothing I can do about it now. It'll be gone in a few days. No use giving it any more of my energy." On a recent podcast episode Jay Shetty suggested considering what type of a problem you're facing. Is it a 5 day problem? Or will it still be a problem in 5 weeks? 5 months? 5 years? My sunburn problem was more of a 2-day problem, yet I let it take up way more head space than it deserved. You're going to eventually get over it, right? Why not get over it now? Photo by Andrew Palmer on Unsplash

What a great week! My husband's photography got accepted into a very selective show and a new shop owner wants to talk about showcasing his photos in her cafe. My best friend just became a grandmother for a second time. Another dear friend told me all the steps she's taking to prepare for a big change coming up in her life. I learned a pregnant friend's mother is going to get to stay with her for two months once the baby arrives; she's from Europe and this is a huge deal. My daughter got a gorgeous new haircut. My son served as ball boy for a regional tournament game and was thrilled to hear his name called over the loudspeaker. You might have noted everything that made me happy happened to other people, not to me. Yet it was a really great week; I experienced true joy as I heard their happy news or saw their huge smiles. I think because I've been working on increasing my empathy I actually shared their feelings and emotions. If we wait for great things to happen to us, we are only happy every so often. But if we look around, there are plenty of ways to increase our joy by sharing in the joy of others. A Swedish proverb says, “Shared joy is double joy; Shared sorrow is half a sorrow.” Want more joy? Share in someone else's. (Just don't make it about yourself!) Photo by Timon Studler on Unsplash

Maybe it's because I've been listening to memoirs. Maybe it's because I'm part of a group of women who are working on sharing our stories in a variety of ways. Or maybe I was just in the right mood. But suddenly the memories, many of them happy, came flooding back. It's been on my to-do list for a few years to take my kids and husband to visit my alma mater, Marywood University. I hadn't been back to campus in over a dozen years and wanted to see all the improvements and visit my favorite spaces. As I pondered our weekend plans (we had none) on Friday morning, it occurred to me it might be a good time to take a trip to Scranton. I messaged the university to determine whether any buildings would even be open on a summer Saturday, and a reply came to let me know the next day was actually freshman orientation, which meant the campus would be buzzing. Perfect! The next morning I awoke at 4:00. While I usually have no trouble getting back to sleep, I remained awake as college memories flooded back to me. Happy memories. Sad memories. Strangely specific memories. Memories I hadn't thought about in years. This feeling of nostalgia washed over me and it was all I could do keep myself from waking up everyone and starting the trip several hours early. When we finally set out at a respectable hour, I told the kids stories of my first visits to and days on campus. We stopped at the turnpike stop where my car once broke down. We ate at the Burger King where my parents and I stopped for a lot of meals back in the day. We all stood in awe of the rotunda I always loved. I smiled to see that some of the classrooms in the Liberal Arts Center seemed to look the same as they did when I attended classes there 20-some years ago. Yet some areas were completely different. I was happy to see so much more diversity than I had ever seen when I was on campus. We marveled at the robotic arm in the library. I didn't recognize several of the buildings and was surprised to learn that now only the top floor of my first dorm is in use. I don't have experience a sense of nostalgia very often. My parents live in the house I grew up in (we moved there the summer before my second grade year). I drive by my high school every day on the way to work. But taking a trip back to a particularly happy time of my history was such a special experience. And so was creating new memories in that place. You may find some places in your story with the same sense of history and possibility. Go back. Photo by Mike Myers

How much time do you spend avoiding discomfort? Perhaps you're delaying a difficult conversation with a loved one? Avoiding the doctor because you're afraid of what she might tell you? Not playing tennis today because you don't want to be sore tomorrow? I would say I've spent a good portion of my life avoiding discomfort and inconvenience. This shows up in a variety of ways, from bringing an umbrella every time there's even a threat of rain to avoiding events to prevent traffic frustration to not having difficult conversations that would definitely be beneficial to everyone once we got through them. Often when I have painful thoughts, I push them away, forcing myself to think only about the positive. I'm reevaluating this approach in part due to what I'm learning from an interesting book called The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living. The subtitle says "A guide to ACT: the mindfulness-based program for reducing stress, overcoming fear, and creating a rich and meaningful life." Here are my notes from the first few chapters: One definition of happiness is "feeling good." But according to author Russ Harris, "a life spent in pursuit of those good feelings is, in the long term, deeply unsatisfying. In fact, the harder we chase after pleasurable feelings, the more we are likely to suffer from anxiety and depression." The other far less common meaning of happiness is "living a reach and meaningful life." "When we take action on the things that truly matter deep in our hearts, move in directions that we consider valuable and worthy, clarify what we stand for in life and act accordingly, then our lives become rich and full and meaningful, and we experience a powerful sense of vitality. This is not some fleeting feeling--it is a profound sense of a life well lived. And although such a life will undoubtedly give us many pleasurable feelings it will also give us uncomfortable ones, such as sadness, fear, and anger. This is only to be expected. If we live a full life, we will feel the full range of human emotions." The reality is, life involves pain. "Although we can't avoid such pain, we can learn to handle it much better--to make room for it, reduce its impact, and create a life worth living despite it." "The things we generally value most in life bring with them a whole range of feelings, both pleasant and unpleasant." While we have much less control over our thoughts and feelings than we might like, "we do have a huge amount of control over our actions. And it's through taking action that we create a rich, full, and meaningful life." "Often our attempts to avoid unpleasant feelings get in the way of doing what we truly value.... When your primary motivation is the avoidance of unpleasant thoughts and feelings, this drains the joy and vitality from what you are doing." While I continue to read this book in the months ahead, I'm going to start telling myself when I'm feeling uncomfortable emotions: "I'm living a full life, so I will feel the full range of human emotions." Feel the pain. Photo by Hyttalo Souza on Unsplash