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I happened to overhear several "What are you giving up for Lent?" conversations several weeks ago. It's been many years since I've made a Lenten sacrifice but I have certainly benefited from giving up something that's pleasurable but not particularly good for me, whether it's pretzels or gossiping. Sometimes there are habits that we would be well-advised to stop for far more than 40 days. But giving up something for a really long time is hard. We don't always want to sacrifice. What if we reframe it and look at freeing ourselves instead? Look at how powerful these word swaps are: Replace "I have to clean up around here" with "I'm freeing myself from clutter." Replace "I'm not spending right now" with "I'm freeing myself from debt." Replace "I'm not allowing myself to have sweets" with "I'm freeing myself from the hold sugar has on me." I'm working on freeing myself from complaining. And judging. And nagging. The words you use matter. Free yourself. Photo by Aditya Saxena on Unsplash

My daughter recently had a new friend over to the house. As we were about to take her home, she could not find her phone. She got increasingly upset as we looked all around. I said, "Okay, let's take a deep breath. I know you checked before, but please look in your purse one more time." "Oh, there it is." I don't share this anecdote to poke fun at a sixth grader. I find adults do this all the time. When we don't immediately find something in the place we expect it to be, we start frantically checking a bunch of places it's very unlikely to be, getting increasingly upset. And then eventually we check that first place again and find it, only to feel a mixture of relief and embarrassment that it was where it was supposed to be - or some other really logical place - all along. Just last week I told my husband we needed to get the title of our car so we could hand it over with our trade-in. I looked in a few spots it was likely to be in our office. Mike looked in our safe, which also seemed like a really logical place. We couldn't find it in any of these places and started checking less likely places, getting a bit flustered. I needed to leave for my haircut appointment, so I left him in charge of the search. A few minutes later, I got a text. "Got it! It was in the safe just folded up in a nondescript paper." Oops. Had I just remembered my own advice to take a deep breath and carefully re-look in the place(s) where it most logically would be, we could have kept our blood pressures lower. Need to find something? It's probably where it should be. But this idea of looking again is not just for lost items. It can be helpful not just for objects but when other situations don't quite add up. Last week I was balancing our bank account. I was surprised to see that Target had only withdrawn $54.41 toward our $244.23 balance. What was going on? We are on automatic withdrawals of the full balance. Why would they do this? I felt myself start to get frustrated so I called customer service. Moments later, the friendly call center rep was explaining our balance last month was only $54.41. This month's bill is the $244.23 one. Well, that makes sense. If I had just looked again at the statements, I would have seen that. If I had taken a breath and stepped back for a moment, I would have told myself, "I've had a Target card since 2011 and have never had this problem. And if there's going to be an error, it's probably going to be a human one (me) and not a computer one." Thankfully the mindfulness practice I've been working on kept me from getting too out of sorts in each of these situations. I'm learning. I just need to remember to take a breath. Then look again. Photo by Skitterphoto

I really needed a new car. I had driven it for 11 1/2 years. It had 228,480 miles on it. The gas gauge stopped working 18 months ago. The car smelled like fuel every morning after I had pumped gas the night before. The brakes needed to be replaced. The check engine light would come on intermittently for no apparent reason. The seats were cracking. The stains were plentiful. A few days before we traded it, my husband gave it a relatively quick detail job, vacuuming the floors and seats and wiping the surfaces. The result was amazing. Each time I got into the car for those few days, I experienced a notable burst of happiness. I sat a little taller and felt proud of my vehicle, even with all its cracks and creaks. We still needed a new car. But this experience reminded me that even though the car had been deteriorating, that didn't mean I had to give up on caring for it. Even though there were some stains that wouldn't come out, that didn't mean I could not take care of the ones that would. I still had access to a vacuum cleaner and sponge, for goodness sake. In light of all the problems in the world and the pressing issues we all have to face, does the cleanliness of a car really matter? I think it does. I believe in the title of Gretchen Rubin's new book: "Outer Order, Inner Calm." This is not to say that cleaning your counter can give you inner peace. But rather, "At home, at work, and in life, when we get our possessions under control by using the strategies that are right for us, we feel both calmer and more energetic." I think the crumbs and the stains were draining my energy without me realizing it, and I'm sure that's happening in other areas of my life - and probably in yours too. Feeling anxious at work? Tidy your work space. Ready for a new home but that's not even remotely an option? Clean and fix yours as if you were going to sell it and you might just find you want to stay. Driving a clunker? Take away some its clunkiness. Can't find anything to wear in your overstuffed closet? Pare it down and you'll likely uncover some options you love. Bored with your bathroom? Add one or two new accessories or accents. Not feeling much joy in your bedroom? Evaluate each object; move out the ones that don't serve you and move around the ones that do. Not smiling at your reflection? Consider a new haircut. Want to feel more calm or more energetic? Spruce up. Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

As I described the event I had emceed the night before, my family member said, "That sounds like something I would have enjoyed." I immediately thought, "Well then, why didn't you come? I invited you." I paused before speaking my thoughts. Had I actually invited her? Or had I just mentioned briefly that I had this event coming up, hoping she would ask more questions and buy a ticket? I'm pretty sure it was the latter. There are so many women I could have invited to that program. Instead of assuming they were too busy or didn't want to spend the money or weren't interested, I could have asked and just not gotten too attached to the outcome of the invitation. Instead I figured, "Well, I posted about it on social media or in my blog; that's enough." Wrong. Sometimes I hesitate to invite people because I'm so worried they won't have a good time. But that's not really my responsibility. I invited one friend to Saturday night's event. There was no expectation that I would pay for her ticket or entertain her. (Although I was one of the emcees, so hopefully she was mildly entertained by a few of my jokes.) She was fine on her own. She enjoyed herself. She just needed someone to let her know about the event and to give her a gentle nudge to attend. Oh, I can give a nudge. But sometimes those nudges don't pay off. Part of why I don't extend more invitations these days is that I used to get a lot of rejections (or what I felt were rejections). But if I can extend an invitation without the feeling that if someone declines an invite they're declining me, the rewards will likely outweigh the risks. I'm learning to question my own motives: Am I inviting them to suit my purposes/sell more tickets/make me feel good? Or am I inviting them because I think they might really enjoy themselves? Sometimes the first motive is okay, especially if I'm transparent ("It would mean a lot to me if you attend"), but if the answer to the second question is yes, I really should be inviting them. My husband and I sometimes feel hurt we don't get invited to more. And then I think, "Wait. When was the last time we invited them to something?" Hmm. It's been a while. Want someone to show up? Want to receive more invitations yourself? Extend an invitation. Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

“Did I see 'Exton, PA' on the caller ID?” “Yes…” I said to the guy from Colorado Springs who had called in to schedule his exit interview, wondering where he was going with this. “I used to live out that way. I lived in Morgantown and then Lancaster and I worked in Philadelphia and West Chester and all over. I grew up here in Colorado but my dad lived out there for a while so I moved east after graduating to get chef experience. As a matter of fact, that’s where I’m coming to honeymoon so my wife sees the area for the first time.” Shocked that anyone would come here for a honeymoon, I asked, “When is your wedding?” “July! I hope I get to see some lightning bugs. I never saw any till I moved out there. And the grass is so green out there! I couldn't believe it when I moved. Everything is so brown here.” I was incredulous. I have lived in Pennsylvania my whole life, and while I can list several positive attributes, I would have imagined it would be so much more beautiful to live in a place like Colorado. And here's someone from there talking about how nice it is here. Of course, this really isn’t about one state being better than another, but about being happy in whatever state you're in (literally and metaphorically). Sometimes the grass is actually greener where you already are than where you think you want to be. Just the other day my daughter had a new friend over and she complimented, “Your house is so cool!” Huh? Our house? The one that needs new trim, a bathroom renovation, wallpaper removal, and so on, and so on? But looking at it from a different perspective, I realized, yeah, our house is pretty cool. Someone else recently told me they wished they lived in a small town like me, and went on to sing its praises. This is someone who lives in a much bigger house in a more affluent area that I would have been jealous of until I really stopped to think about it. I'm grateful for these reminders that I actually have it pretty good. And you can bet this summer I'm going to savor the green grass and lightning bugs more than I have before. If you're feeling uninspired or stagnant or ho-hum, think about what you'd miss if you moved on from your job, your home, your town, your state. Appreciate where you are. Photo by Zhaoqi Yu on Unsplash

We're one quarter of the way through 2019. Are you making progress on your goals? Does the way you spend your time match up with your priorities? If the answer isn't a resounding yes, you're not alone. For all the efforts I put in to live a positive and productive life, I slip up daily. I set goals I don't achieve. I make mistakes. Sometimes I make the same ones I've made before. I go negative. I spend my time in ways that don't make me happier or healthier. Reading through old journals, I see that I still haven't mastered some of the habits I was trying to develop five or even ten years ago. But I'm determined to seek progress, not perfection. And I know I'm in a much better place than I'd be if I hadn't tried to improve at all. If at first you don't succeed...you've got a lot of options. Decide how much you really want it. I have had "Learn to play the guitar" on my bucket list for well over a decade. But yet even with a friend who's more than willing to teach me, I have no interest in actually practicing. It turns out I want to play the guitar, but I don't want it enough to do the work it requires. So maybe this isn't a goal for me after all. Realign your expectations. Sometimes we learn partway through that something is harder than we thought. If you thought you would read a dozen books this year, and you haven't read any, that doesn't mean you should abandon your goal altogether. Rather, consider setting a goal to read six books. Or three. Both are still better than zero. Set new goals. For a really long time I had a goal weight in mind. It was a pre-pregnancy and probably pre-marriage weight. It was completely unreasonable. Then a few years ago I realized it wasn't about the number (anymore). So now I have goals around feeling strong and fit. No scale required. Figure out what went well and what didn't. Chances are, you didn't fail entirely. Acknowledge what didn't go well, but give yourself credit for what went well. Learn from both. And speaking of learning... Learn from people who've done it before. I am trying to master Facebook Live. I started recording a series in February and flamed out mid-month. I asked a Facebook group for advice. I learned from some members and am getting ready to try again. Not achieving your goals the way you hoped? Adjust your course and try again. Photo by fer gomez on Unsplash

One strategy for children learning how to speak without stuttering is to ease in to what they're about to say, so they don't get hung up on the first word. This is a great strategy for real life too. A benefit to getting up a little earlier is that you can ease in to your day, perhaps spending a few moments doing something for yourself before you start taking care of everyone else or race off to whatever's scheduled that day. If there's a project or task that doesn't light your fire but has to be done, you might benefit from easing in to it by just spending 15 minutes the first day, or by doing some preliminary research, or by mapping out a timeline, or by starting with what you think will be your favorite part of the project. Making one small change to your diet each week might benefit you more than starting a whole new way of eating. You might be a person who can run 3 miles the first day you set out to build a running habit, but if you're like me you'll benefit from starting small. If you've been in the same line of work for a while and want to make a change, you might ease in by taking on small projects in that new line of work or by brainstorming how you can tweak your current job responsibilities to acquire more of the skills you'll need. Sometimes you'll want to run headfirst into the water, the project, the day. But sometimes it's smart to dip your toe in, test the temperature, take a few more steps, and then immerse yourself. Ease in. Photo by Christopher Sardegna on Unsplash

Have you ever been in the middle of the grocery store when you realized you forgot something in the produce aisle? And then remembered pasta when you got to the dairy section? This is much less likely if you use a list or app that's organized by departments or aisles. Just as it feels better to work from one end of the store to the other with a plan, it feels better to tackle your to-do list in logical groupings as well. When you organize your to-do list by the type of task, something magical happens. You don't have to use the mental energy switching from task to task. You feel more in control of your time. You might actually enjoy what you're doing because you know you're doing something all the way through. We use QuickBooks at work. I am in there for budgeting, billing, entering payments, and collecting on past due invoices. It takes a few minutes to log in, so I've started keeping a QB list in my planner. When I go into the program, I can knock out several tasks at once. What I need to do in there is important, but not urgent, so each task can wait until I have a few tasks to do. When I facilitated a time management program a few weeks ago, a guy in the back of the room shouted, "I hate email!" I shouted back, "Me too!" But I hate it a lot less when I'm in charge of it and it's not in charge of me. I love shutting down email for a few hours at a time at work, and then being really purposeful when I am in my inbox. Just like I keep a QuickBooks list, I'll keep an email list. Sometimes I draft messages in Word so I can send them all at the same time when I log back into my account. When I'm in email mode, focusing on one after another, I'm less likely to get pulled in a different direction. Today's the 25th of the month, which means tonight I'll be paying bills and balancing our family's checking account. I get paid on the 10th and 25th so I handle most finance-related activities on those two days. I have a folder for each of the days to hold any invoices and other paperwork I receive, and I snooze emails until those days, so I can handle it all at once. It feels great to set aside time twice a month for this, instead of thinking about it daily. One of the best methods I know to present myself from trying to multi-task (which isn't really multi-tasking at all, but switch-tasking) is to group similar tasks. Photo by Jakub Kapusnak on Unsplash

I was absorbed, mesmerized, transfixed. By the time the singer, the incomparable Liz Longley, came out for her encore, I felt renewed and alive. A concert? On a Thursday night? There are lots of reasons we shouldn't have gone. Busy season of life. Too much to do. School night. Work tomorrow. We went anyway. In fact, we went because of all the busy-ness, because of everything that had been going on. It was the best gift we could have given to ourselves. When I'm watching a movie or attending a concert or show (or building complicated formulas in Excel), it's all but impossible to think about my worries, my to-do list, my plans. For others, it's creating art or taking photographs or sewing or gardening or playing video games that puts them into a state of flow. Feeling as if all you've been doing is jumping from one task to another? Immerse yourself. Photo by BRUNO CERVERA on Unsplash

Have you ever received an invitation including the line, "No presents please, just your presence?" Besides being clever, it's also a good reminder that your presence is often the real gift. A few weeks ago I hosted a Positivity Party event. I was delighted when someone who hadn't RSVPed arrived just as we began. It was my sister. She's not often able to make it to my sessions, and it meant so much to me that she made this one a priority. What a gift! Indeed, we've had a lot of people showing up for us lately. When my husband exhibited and sold his photography at his first juried show two weeks ago, his parents were there; so were mine. And both of my sisters. And his sister who lives in PA, while the other sent her support via Facebook and texts. So did countless others from many miles away. Members of his photography club showed up. Other friends of the family showed up. We were heartened by each friendly face and encouraging message. When we had to scramble to get the booth from the pickup truck into our house in the snow, neighbors showed up. Many hands made light work and we felt so supported. We experienced the same level of support this weekend when my daughter was in the school play as people showed up in person and virtually to encourage and applaud her. I haven't always appreciated the significance of showing up, but I'm getting better at it. A friend's father passed away last year. When I heard the news I didn't know what to do. But I decided to just show up, driving over to her house right after work. I figured I could leave a note if she and her family weren't there, or just give her a hug and make myself scarce. Or stick around if she needed to talk. It turns out talking was just what she needed. I didn't have to share my own stories. I didn't have to solve anything. I just had to listen. I just had to show up. Somebody going through something big? Whether the something big is happy or sad, exciting or scary, the best gift is often your presence. Show up. Photo by Melissa Askew on Unsplash

One of the biggest challenges facing most of us is lack of focus, due to constant interruptions from so many devices, notifications and people demanding our attention. We feel as if we're multi-tasking, but we're really just switch-tasking and hurting our brains and our productivity in the process. Here are some favorite ways to prevent distractions. Wear earbuds. They don't even have to be playing any music! Just the outward sign that you are in the zone and not available can help prevent others from interrupting you. It also can help you focus so you are less likely to be distracted. Be clear about when you are available. If you are always working on something urgent or always tied up, people won't respect the boundaries. So be clear when you are available - establish set office hours or when you are focusing, tell those around you when you expect to be available again. If you've had the door closed, open it. If you've had earbuds in, take them out. Disable notifications. No need for a ping or an on-screen alert every time you get an email. Turn those off so you are not distracted by them. Better yet... Separate yourself from your tech. Put your phone in another part of the room or another part of the house for a time. If you can't fathom doing that because you use your phone as your timer or for some other practical functions, consider an alternative. Use an inexpensive timer or an internet-based one. Anticipate the needs and solve them in advance. Before you spend focused time, ask if anyone needs anything. Communicate instructions such as, "If so-and-so calls, do this" and "If this happens, interrupt me." Stick with it. Often when we try a new productivity tip, we get frustrated if it doesn't work perfectly in a few days, and then we abandon it. You might have to wear ear buds two weeks straight before people get the message that you are not willing to be interrupted, but the investment will be worth it. Photo by Malte Wingen on Unsplash

I barely listened to the friendly front desk attendant as she outlined the various hotel amenities. Her voice was drowned out by the voices in my head, saying things like, "You're not going to fit in with these guys," "You are an outsider," "You should just stay in your room." But after I checked into my room the night before my keynote presentation to the Pennsylvania Association of Sewage Enforcement Officers, and gave myself a pep talk, I made my way down to the reception. I'm one of those people who's far more comfortable in front of an audience of 150 people than making small talk with three. (I learned I'm not alone in this plight as I chatted with someone at an HR networking event last week. She's preparing for a TEDx talk yet felt a little uncomfortable asking if the seat was taken at the breakfast table. We found an immediate kinship in our shared dislike of small talk.) When I get nervous, I tend think about how different I am from the others. But I'm much better off if I think of how we're similar. Of course, the reception wasn't as bad as I feared. I didn't know anyone there, but I had talked to several board members in preparation for my time management talk, so I asked the administrator to point out one of the members I had spoken with. I waited for a pause in the conversation and introduced myself to the board member, and then he introduced me to the other members at his table and we went from there. I met someone who's from the same part of Ohio as some of my family members. Somebody else told me about a job he was working on in my hometown. They shared some drinking stories that I had nothing to contribute to, and I remained silent during a brief foray into Star Trek, but otherwise I participated in most of the conversation. If you also get intimidated in networking situations, commit to finding common ground. Shake hands. Ever since I learned you can establish the same level of rapport with a handshake as with three hours of continuous interaction, I've made this a priority. Shake hands and you already have a shared experience. Start with why you're there. You have something in common that you're both in the same place at the same time. Figure out why. Ask about where they've come from. Maybe you know someone from that same place or have visited there before. Maybe they grew up in a familiar place or went to a school you have some connection to. Pay attention. If they mention "I had to take my daughter to school" you can ask "How old is your daughter?" and then either ask more questions about what activities the daughter is involved in or where she goes to school. Or you might share an insight into your own family. People enjoy talking about themselves, and it's often far more interesting to ask a non-threatening question about something they've brought up about their personal life than it is to talk about sports or the weather. Talk about the future or past. Bring up something you're looking forward to. "I can't wait for spring. I'm counting down the days till our trip to __________. Have you ever been there?" or "I'm looking forward to seeing the sequel coming out next weekend. Did you happen to see the original?" Nervous or feeling like an outsider? Find common ground. Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash