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2020 has arrived, and many of us are thinking about how we want to spend the year ahead - what we'd like to change, what we'd like to accomplish, what we'd like to release, what we'd like to earn, and so on. I love looking forward, dreaming big and savoring the fresh start. But this year more than ever before, I've taken time to look back, to review the year that's just ended. It's really given me a unique perspective on the highs and the lows, the hellos and the goodbyes, and what I'd like to add more of and what I'd like to subtract. If you'd like to conduct a review, here are steps to consider: Starting with a blank sheet of paper, write down everything that comes to you about last year - specific events, people and places, high points and low points. If you live with others or have relationships with people who might add additional perspective, solicit their input too. It was interesting to hear what each of my children and my husband said first when I asked. Flip through whichever of the following are applicable to you: calendars, journals, photos, text messages, emails, receipts, souvenirs or blog posts. There's something to be learned from each of these resources about how you spent your time, your money, your attention. Look for patterns: Are there certain people/places/things that bring you joy? That bring you sadness? That cause stress? Did you spend far too much time in one area and far too little somewhere else? State your intentions. Use what you learned to decide what you'd like 2020 to look like and what you need to do to make it happen. My review helped me identify I want to continue reading and listening to great books. I'd like to go on a few more adventures with our family. I need to schedule more time with friends. I'm going to look for a new volunteer opportunity. I will work to schedule a few more speeches. And to do all that, I need to spend a little less time online and be more intentional each day. A quote attributed to Jonathan Estrin says, "The way we spend our time defines who we are." Conduct a review to find out how you're spending yours. Photo by Eric Rothermel on Unsplash

I publish a new blog post every Monday and Thursday. Now that I'm on my 266th post, I'm not sure it still makes sense to do so. After the 2016 election I was consumed by negativity, and after the inauguration, I decided the best way to combat it was with a big dose of twice-a-week positivity. That morphed to include productivity, another topic about which I'm passionate. And then I included posts about relationships and personal growth, with a few about parenting and leadership for good measure. Other than sharing 300-500 words, posting 2 days a week, and using simple titles starting with verbs, I didn't have any particular goals. Through writing I've learned a lot about myself, and I've learned about other people. It's been fascinating to see which posts have really resonated (based on the likes, comments or shares they get on Facebook) and which ones have landed with a thud. Writing has brought me closer to some friends and family members, as they now have regular insight into what's going on with my life and talk to me about what they read. I've had to keep it from distancing me from others, as I've tried not to look too closely at who's engaged with a post or who's opened my newsletters so I don't develop a complex. It's given me a way to test new ideas and it's helped me articulate my really strongly held beliefs and personal philosophies. I've written whole posts only to notice that what I've written is practically identical to something I wrote a month or two before. Sometimes I feel great about what I post, and sometimes I look back and wonder what I was thinking. Sometimes the words flow easily, but sometimes I stare at the blank screen afraid I have nothing to say. More and more I've been procrastinating about writing. Maybe I'm running out of ideas? Maybe it's time to change it up? Maybe it's time to let it go? I'm going to take October off to reevaluate. Perhaps there's something in your life you need to reevaluate too. If so, these questions should help us both: Why am I doing this? What do I like about it? What have I learned? How can I improve? What will I miss if I stop? Is there a better use of my time? I'm extraordinarily grateful to all of you who have liked, shared, and/or commented on my posts, who have subscribed to and forwarded my newsletters, who have told me about posts that were particularly meaningful or memorable to you. I hope to be able to find new ways to encourage you, challenge you and shift your perspective. But for now, I'm going to take some time to reevaluate. Photo by Benjamin Davies on Unsplash

I've used the word "focus" in over 20% of my blog posts. Perhaps I need to buy a thesaurus. Or perhaps focus is something that's really important to me. Like many others, I believe what we focus on grows. I believe what we focus on determines how we view our situations. I believe if we change our focus, we can change our lives. Last week I wrote about how anxious I was for my trip to Dallas. Why was I so anxious? Because I kept thinking about how anxious I was. I focused on all that could go wrong, so my worries increased. This Tuesday night I was pretty grumpy. It had been a draining day and all I could think about was what wasn't working. My mood had soured to the point where I think you could have given me $100 and I would have complained it wasn't $150. I went to bed determined to make the following day a better one. So yesterday morning, as soon as I got downstairs I pulled out my journal and listed all the things that are going well in my life. It's a long list! I have so much to be grateful for. I just had to put my focus there. Once I did, my day turned out pretty well. I had a long list of to-dos but I tackled them by focusing on one item at a time. Spending those few minutes shifting my focus made the rest of the day so much better. Too bad I didn't just do that Tuesday night! Feeling sad? Mad? Overwhelmed? Frustrated? Discouraged? Shift your focus. Photo by Elena Taranenko on Unsplash

It happened over twenty years ago (!), but I remember it like it was yesterday. I was the Resident Assistant for a summer program at college, and one of my residents had been studying really hard for a test she was worried about. I asked her, "How did it go?" and she responded, "I got a C." As someone who preferred to get As and Bs, I wasn't sure whether we should be celebrating or commiserating. So - and this is crucial - I asked her. "How do you feel about that?" "Great! I was so afraid I was going to fail." And there you have it. If I had assumed she was disappointed in the grade, we both would have been embarrassed. And she might have been really hurt if I'd assumed she was happy with it while it had actually fallen short of her expectations. It seems to me that we're even less likely to hear each other out these days. We either try to put a positive spin on everything or we assume the worst. "How was your weekend?" "Well, my plans for Friday night got cancelled." "Nice! You didn't have to go out after a long week!" might be the perfect response. Or it might be perfectly terrible if they were really looking forward to it. Same with "Oh no, that sucks. I'm so, so sorry." Then you look silly if they were relieved the plans were cancelled. Instead of responding right away, hear them out. Let them keep talking. If you have to say something, ask a question. "How do you feel about that?" is a great one. Or "What happened?" If they say something you disagree with, don't jump in to disagree. Ask them more questions. Learn about where they're coming from. When you hear someone out, you validate them. When you don't, you alienate them. I remember approaching a lay pastor for prayer after a church service. I shared a way I was feeling inferior in the parenting department. Before I could even explain, she said, "Oh no you're not." Case closed. Mouth shut. I felt shut down. And I haven't approached someone for prayer since. I recently started using the Marco Polo app with a dear friend. We've gotten so much closer as a result. I think it's because it's a one-way conversation; she records a video, I listen and watch. And vice versa. No interruptions. We just hear each other out. In a conversation? Open your ears and your mind. Close your mouth. Hear them out. Photo by Harli Marten on Unsplash

I'm just back from a business trip to Dallas. It was my first time on an airplane in over three years and my first time representing our company as a conference sponsor in nine. It had been ages since I had traveled by myself too. To say I was nervous beforehand is an understatement. We decided to participate in the conference with less than a month to prepare and my schedule was already full with projects and responsibilities. Some people delight in planning travel. I am not one of those people. I got myself pretty worked up, tossing and turning over all the details. I was overwhelmed. I was afraid. It just felt so huge. There were tickets, giveaway items and a banner to order. There were dinner invitations to send, a room to reserve, new contacts to reach out to, promotional materials to design and print, an ad to create. I wondered whether I could generate enough interest in our services to lead to enough revenue to cover all the expenses. I worried no one would come to the dinner I was trying to put together. I fretted about the possibility of delays and cancellations and how they would mess up the rest of my plans. I stressed about all the family details that had to be thought of in advance in what turned out to be a very busy week for the Myers kids. When the day of the trip arrived, I had to get to the parking lot, to the airport, to the terminal, to the gate, onto the plane. Then off the plane, to baggage claim, to the venue to set up, to the hotel, to the restaurant, back to the hotel. After being "on" for dinner and two conference days, I'd have to pack up everything, ship the extras home, find my way to a different airport than where I landed, then to the terminal, and... you get the idea. Ugh. So many opportunities for things to go wrong. I was outside of my comfort zone. You've been there. Maybe it's not a trip that's completely overwhelmed or scared you, but a project or an event or a job search or an illness or a purchase. You've likely had an experience that feels beyond your capabilities or threshold for stress, even though you know others thrive in these same types of circumstances. And what do we do in those situations? We figure it out. We make it work. It's not always pretty. It's definitely not perfect. But we do what we can to rise to the challenge. Here's how I did that: I accepted help. My boss is great about asking how she can support me. Knowing my own areas of weakness, I asked her to find my flights, decide on and order giveaway items, and design our banner. Fortunately for me, she agreed! What a relief. I asked for a pep talk. I shared with a few people how much anxiety I was feeling about the trip. They reassured me it would go well and I would be successful. They're people I trust deeply; what a privilege to be able to share my heart with loved ones who wouldn't judge me or minimize what I was feeling, even if they don't get stressed about the same things. I reframed the experience. My brilliant daughter suggested, "Just think of it as an all-expenses paid vacation, Mom." I applied her advice at several points throughout the trip, enjoying the someone-else-is-making-the-bed moments and just allowing myself to sit still and catch my breath or read a book when waiting for takeoff or for my bags to come down the conveyor. I broke it down. I think this is the strategy that worked the best to conquer my travel anxiety during the trip itself. When I started to worry on Monday morning about shipping items on Wednesday afternoon, I decided I could only focus on one step at a time. So it was, "Right now I just need to get through security." And then, "Now I need to make sure I get lunch before getting on the plane." And so on. Broken down, each step was a breeze. I filled my cup first. Knowing how depleted I would feel from all of those conversations, I made sure I always had enough in the tank. I went for a walk in the morning. I made sure I had a good breakfast. I left the party an hour before it was over because I was spent. I applied multiple strategies. Can you tell? The trip went fine. Well, even. Really well. I still don't love to travel. Or plan travel. I'd rather do the work than sell the work. I don't know yet how much new business I'll be able to generate from the trip. There are definitely conversations and logistics I could have handled more effectively and plenty of hiccups along the way. But I made it through, thrived even. And I'm better for having done it. Rise to the challenge. You've got this. Photo by Ross Parmly on Unsplash

There's a crack in my husband's phone screen. Or maybe just the screen protector. We're not sure how or when it happened. It's been that way for maybe a month. Total bummer, right? Well, a nuisance, definitely. But in the realm of life, it's not that big a deal. Yet every time I see the screen, I get annoyed. Why hasn't he gotten it fixed yet? Am I going to have to handle this for him? No. I don't have to do anything. It's his phone screen. His. Not mine. So it's his problem. I can certainly help if he asks for it. But this is on his list. I have enough on my own. Besides, and perhaps most importantly, it's really none of my business. This is a small example, but I've definitely gotten into the habit over the past several years of feeling as if I need to solve everything, as if it's all on my list, as if things won't be right unless I step in. And more often than not, me stepping in causes resentment (in me or in other people). Or leads to people being even more dependent on me. It's a vicious cycle. I don't always make it better. I often make it worse. Talking to my friends, I know I'm not the only one. If you can relate to this, it might just be time to mind your own business. Photo by Mael Balland on Unsplash

I was privileged to be featured as a guest on the Fill Your Cup First podcast, which "puts self-care where it belongs, at the top of your priority list." Since the interview was recorded a few months ago, I've been paying attention to the fullness of my own cup. I've noticed when I feel depleted, my patience is much thinner. I feel more put-upon. I'm not very kind. When my cup is fuller, so is my heart. I'm kinder, gentler. I can give more. I can expect more from myself too. So I do what I can to make sure I have what I need. What does that look like? A full stomach, a good night's sleep, painted toenails, a little treat every now and again, putting fun first more often. It's made a big difference. It's a well-worn metaphor, but a good one, that reminds us to put our own life vest or oxygen mask before we try to help others with theirs. And I've learned from Gretchen Rubin, "When we give more to ourselves, we can ask more from ourselves." It's how I've been able to challenge myself more this summer than before, because I've been giving more to myself as well. Are you running on empty? Fill your cup first. Photo by Tyler Nix on Unsplash

For the first time in my life, I've participated in some form of physical activity every day for one month straight. I'm starting to see a difference in the way my clothes fit, but far more importantly, I'm starting to see a difference in the way I see myself. I used to be a person who exercised occasionally. Then I was a Monday-Wednesday-Friday exerciser. Now I'm redefining myself as an active person for whom exercise is a natural way of life. This exercise still doesn't come automatically, but it is starting to feel more natural. I've marked off each day's exercise on a dry erase board, which has helped me maintain momentum. (I'm so concerned about breaking the streak that the other night when I realized I hadn't exercised, I got out of bed and did jumping jacks right in the bedroom!) Of course, as I've exercised more, I've also been inspired to eat healthier. I've learned when I challenge myself in one area, my performance in other areas kicks up a notch. In fact, I challenged myself in a variety of ways this summer - I've taken a break from spending, I gave up alcohol for five weeks, I'm getting up earlier, I'm challenging myself to use more precise and less coarse language, and I've decreased my use of social media. Last night, the hosts of the Fill Your Cup First podcast and I kicked off the Intentional Technology Use Challenge. If you want to make sure technology is your servant, not your master, please consider joining us. Invite a friend too. It's easier to tackle a challenge when we have support. And it's easier to make a change when we use the right terminology. Challenge yourself. Photo by Jukan Tateisi on Unsplash

I write most blog posts in the morning. I'm fairly disciplined about it, and I haven't missed a Monday or Thursday post in 2 1/2 years, but some days are harder than others. Sometimes I'm not sure what to write about. Other times I have a topic I'm excited about, but writing takes a back seat to the other ideas and to-dos that pop into my head. I'll go to Facebook to see when I posted about a certain topic and next thing I know, I'm liking people's first-day-of-school pictures. Or I head to Amazon to grab the link for a book and a minute later I'm shopping for my son's birthday gifts. Or my daughter will come into the office to say good morning and then all of a sudden we're looking at something for school. Connecting with friends on Facebook, shopping for my son's birthday gifts, and being aware of what's going on in my daughter's class are all important, but they aren't urgent. My mornings go better when I stick to the list. And even though four of the items are the same every day - write in journal, meditate, write blog post, exercise - mornings go better when I physically write them out to help me stay on track. That way I don't skip anything and I also don't wander too far off course. When other items pop into my consciousness, I add them to a list for later. That way I ensure they're not forgotten, and I take care of them at the right time. Have you ever gone grocery shopping and bought everything on your list and nothing else? It's really satisfying, isn't it? The same type of satisfaction can apply to sticking to a to-do list, checking off everything and only working on those items. It's about being purposeful and honoring your commitment to yourself. It's about putting first things first. Stick to the list. Photo by Breakingpic on Pexels.com

"When do you need it?" These five words have been game-changing in my client interactions. Here's how my brain used to work when I'd receive a client request: "Oh wow, one more item on my to-do list. They probably want this right away. Who can I assign it to? This person's schedule is full; that person doesn't have the skill set. I'll have to do it myself. But when? My day is already full. Well, I might as well do it right now, while I'm thinking about it. But I don't want the client to think I'm just sitting here waiting for her request...." Now I write back and ask, "When do you need it?" So often the response is "By the end of the week would be great" or "Could I have it by next Wednesday?" They are expecting it a lot less quickly than I was going to jump through hoops to get it done. This allows me to delegate the task or put into a logical place on my schedule over the next few days. If I don't ask the question and just do the work right away, not only do I negatively impact my own mood and schedule, I also set an expectation with my clients that they can expect an immediate response. It's up to me to change that expectation. The same principles apply in personal life as well. If you are almost always immediately responsive to text messages, you're setting the expectation that people can expect an almost immediate response. If you want to change that expectation, respond less quickly. If you prefer people email rather than text, tell them that. If you have a policy of responding to emails within 24 hours, make that clear. Feeling burdened or taken for granted? Maybe it's you, not them. Clarify expectations. Photo by Thomas Drouault on Unsplash

We have a lot more control than we sometimes realize or care to admit. We can't always change our situations but we can change the way we think about just about anything. By choosing our thoughts, we can turn a problem into an opportunity. We can focus on the positive aspects. We can be our own motivational speakers. Here are some mental switches I've been making lately. From thinking "This is hard" to thinking "This is making me stronger." From thinking "I'm scared" to thinking "I can do hard things." From thinking "I'm overwhelmed" to thinking "I can handle it." From thinking "Life is stressful" to thinking "Life is full." From thinking "I'm not good at this" to "I'm getting better." And I've found once I start deliberately choosing my thoughts, they change. And so do my actions. And so does my situation. Choose your thoughts. Photo by Elizaveta Korabelnikova on Unsplash

Many students here in PA head back to school today. Over the last few weeks several people have asked my kids and me countless times, "Are you ready?" We are ready, and this year, it's more than just having the school supplies packed (check), the new clothes bought (check), and the online forms filled out (check). Knowing it's going to be a particularly full fall for our family, I put in some extra effort to prevent some typically stressful situations. I loaded their lunch accounts for the entire year. I bought birthday cards for the remainder of 2019. I'm stocking up on Lean Cuisine meals and yogurts to make sure I'm not scrambling at the last minute. I'm getting my clearances and requesting PTO now for a field trip in November. Before I sound too put-together, however... I'm also driving around with my car telling me I'm 671 miles past due on an oil change (now scheduled for Friday) and I did ignore the first several reminders I received about scheduling my kids' doctors appointments, leading to me getting the last two appointments available this summer. But I'm trying to get better at planning ahead, and the more I do it, the easier gets. If you want to feel more prepared for a busy season or a big event, answering these questions will help. What's most important to you? (Is it maximizing fun, is it making sure everything goes smoothly, is it staying to a budget, is it minimizing conflict?) What typically causes stress and what can you do to address that in advance? (If you buy birthday presents for so-and-so at the last minute, can you buy them now? If Halloween sneaks up on you every year, can you plan your costume in September?) What can you remove from your schedule to release stress? (I am amazed at how much more I'm getting down now that I've minimized my time on social media. Saying no to events that don't bring you joy can have lots of positive effects.) What can you add to your schedule that might reduce stress? (Exercise, meditation and journaling do wonders for my mental health.) What can you let go of? (I'm thinking I can minimize family stress and save time by being more hands-off about what my kids wear and how they do their hair.) What can you do to make things easier? (Stock up, plan ahead, anticipate the obstacles.) Be prepared. Photo by Element5 Digital on Unsplash